Yeah, there's an Indian restaurant in our town.ĭouble-threat writer and performer on "SNL," just like I want to be. I'm Bela, that's Whitney, that's Leighton. Mom, could you change your jeans before anyone gets here? - Hey! - Hey, you must be Kimberly! Oh, my Gosh! I'm so excited! We're your roommates. Your father's sciatica's gonna act up at any minute now, here. I mean, I guess what's really important is that my baby girl is going to my alma mater! I'm telling you, after the next four years, you're probably gonna want to have sex with New England too.ĭale, I hope you're using your legs to push that.įor you Can't wait to push your button Earth to Kimberly. Honey, I think what I'm trying to say is I don't think Esme and Francesca are the best influences on you, you know? They're kinda assholes? Dad, can you please not call my friends assholes? All right? And it doesn't even make a difference, okay? We're already living together.
Okay, but what about that time that Francesca totally abandoned you in Cape Cod? She was having a really tough time, okay? Her dad just got audited.
Okay, they are literally the best people I have ever known. You know, honey, are you sure it's the best idea to be roommates in college with your friends from high school? Shouldn't you branch out? Dad, Esme and Francesca are my soulmates. They probably have a ton of new inside jokes by now. God, Esme and Francesca haven't texted me back yet. I mean, it's like you want to have sex with New England. Something about New England, isn't there? Maybe it's the trees, or the rivers, the air I just feel so alive here.
Yeah, Mom, I don't want to become a prostitute either. Mom! - I don't want that future for you. Someone say tacos? I can't handle that today, my stomach is already a mess.ĭo you remember that Caleb Vicars boy? He was two grades above you, he got into Penn, met some rich friends, he got addicted to cocaine, and got arrested We're from the whitest town in the world. Honey, you got to promise me you're gonna be careful because you're gonna meet all kinds of, um, new people.Īre you saying that because they're Middle Eastern? That's so offensive. Why don't you go inside and just get yourself together. Honey, honey - I haven't told you enough. You're the first Finkle to go to college. Just take him home and put him on a shelf in my bedroom.īefore we go inside, I just want to say He needed to transform his life with a permanent physical metamorphosis.įour months ago, I was an Indian loser with cystic acne, sweaty armpits, and glasses.īut with Lasik procedure, an Accutane prescription, and medical-grade Botox injected into my armpits, I'm normal. Look, that phoenix made total sense to me. I'm 18 years old, I'm in the middle of my reinvention.ĭad, remember when Ben Affleck got that giant back tattoo of a phoenix rising up from the ashes? Is he in "Manchester by the Sea"? - Oh, very sad film. Mom, I'm not bringing my teddy bear to college with me. Look, Beta, I brought a surprise for you to remind you of home.īusby! - Mom, are you serious? - What? You love Mr. How you doin', sweetheart? What am I commenting on today? Look, Jackie, I am dropping my daughter off at college today. I I don't know, I'm just happy that you made the time I mean, Vermont? Why's it even a state? Bunch of potheads making maple syrup. Mom! Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex Sex sex sex sex sex Essex College? Did you have to pick a school that was 3,000 miles away from me? It's almost like I did that on purpose. Can you stop? We're dropping our daughter off at school.